Not Bouncing Back Postpartum

Long before I was married, and for as long as I can remember, I have had an interest in learning all I could about pregnancy and childbirth.

I remember the days of walking into the library, going to the health section, and grabbing every book I could find on the subject. And also the perplexed look on the librarians face when this 17 year old girl would gleefully place her stack of books onto the counter. And me having to say "No ma'am. I am not pregnant." Followed by her slow nodding of the head.

This passion continued even after marriage. So much so that twice I started the process of becoming a doula.

The first try was when I thought I would be unable to have children, and then having to be stopped because of my cancer journey. Followed with the second attempt and being stopped by becoming pregnant myself.

So you can say, I was ridicously excited to go through the pregnancy and labor process myself. Being able to finally experience firsthand what I had only read and dreamed about.

And I did just that. But there was one aspect of childbirth I had not read up on so much. And I certainly was not prepared for it.

Postpartum.

I genuinely did not give one thought in all my reading and "preparing" to the time after birth.

For some reason, I only had the current thought process of society ingrained in my head.

That I would have the baby. And bam! Pop back up and continue on with normal life like nothing happened.

When I was transferred to the hospital from my homebirth, after the delivery of my first son, I went from being under the care of my midwife during that stay, to the care of the hospital OB.

I had third degree tearing, plus two sulcus tear with that birth, that required a two and half hour operation. I had labored for almost 3 days. With maybe 10 hours of sleep in those three days. And you want to know what that OB told me to do to help me recover?

Walk. And to get home and move around as much as I normally would on any given day.

And you want to know what I did when I got home the next day?

I woke up cooked myself some eggs. And attempted walking around the house with that major repair down there.

And do you know what happened?

I sat back down, blacked out and woke up to the most terrifying panic attack of my life.

I fell trap to the modern lie that women are to bounce back to normal life after giving birth. The lie that pushing an 8 pound human being out a small opening is an everyday occurrence.

I mean, I grew said human being in my body for nine months. The same human being that had taken up most of my nutritional stores. After spending hours with my body working harder than ever before to push that little person out. And after my bones and internal organs shifted for that exit, I bled at least a half a quart of blood, plus more because of my complications. Not to mention the HUGE shift in hormones that happened.

Yeap. Such...an easy thing to bounce back from... *insert eye roll*

Modern society has so ingrained into women's minds that it should be nothing for all of us to get back to normal life. And hides the truth from us. The truth that going back to "normal" immediately, or even within the first year of giving birth is natural for everyone.

No one talks about the reality of postpartum, and the need to nourish the mother and her spirit, because society has taken all of the attention the mother needs, and placed it onto the baby.

But that is soooooo... wrong. And unnatural.

All through history, and in every culture, both the mother and the baby were well taken care of following birth. In most of those cultures, the first 40 days or more, were set aside as a time for the mother to rest, recover, renourish, and bond with the baby.

Not cook. Not clean. Not jump back into exercise or everyday tasks. Their only task was to eat the most nourishing foods prepared by the other women in the community, and to rest, recover, and bond with their new baby.

And in turn, the mother would be well enough to give that baby the best care possible for a lifetime.

I learned the hard way that bouncing back is not natural. And that rest and recovery is essential to being a healthy mama for my babies.

That is why I took a whole different approach to this second postpartum period.

For the first week following birth, I was either sleeping, eating, herbal bathing, or feeding my baby.

I took my amazing doulas advice, and kept myself as horizontal as I possibly could.

While pregnant, I had prepared a ton of nutrient dense, high calorie freezer meals, that only needed to be reheated. To which my husband and mom were able to fix quickly.

On my second week, I only got up a little each day. And that was primarily to sit outside in fresh air, or sit with my older boy while he played.

At week three, my husband returned to work, and I was able watch my toddler and the baby on my own for a few hours each day. And in the afternoon, it was just me and the baby while my toddler played at either set of grandparents house.

And at a month, I started to feel well enough to have them both at home all day.

I feel incredibly blessed to say, that at 8 weeks postpartum, I feel really well. Much better than I did at 8 weeks my last go around. But I still tire easily, and my moods still shift quite a bit with my still fluctuating hormones.

And with that, I still do not feel the need to jump back into life full speed ahead. I am okay with days spent cuddling my boys on the couch, while watching Veggie Tales, because I am having an extra tired day.

I do not feel the need to jump into dieting or exercising hard to lose that natural and healthily gained pregnancy weight.

Yes, I try to exercise daily. But instead of jumping back into running and cardio, I have focused more on yoga and daily walking to keep my joints loosened up and strong, and to boost my energy and mood.

And when it comes to food, I have been focusing on eating plenty of nutrient dense foods to fuel my body, and to replace the nutrient stores that were taken from my body during pregnancy, and will continue to be used while breastfeeding.

There is no cutting calories right now. I did that the last go around, and paid dearly for it. I truly believe that cutting back on food was one of the biggest factors that lead to my postpartum depression.

I sadly realize, that most women today, do not have the resources to be able to rest as they need in the postpartum period. And that deeply hurts me.

My purpose in sharing all of this is to hopefully spark a conversation, that will eventually lead to a change in modern society.

That all women will be mentally prepared for the postpartum period, and given a much needed and special time to rest and recover from childbirth. A time focused on her well being, when she so desperately needs it.

How about you?

Were you prepared for the postpartum period? What surprised you the most? And if you could change anything about that time, what would it be?

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!
Angel

Much Different Than I Planned: Beaus Birth Story

"Many are the plan's in a mans heart, but it is the LORDs purpose that prevails".

Proverbs 19:21

 

Time for a birth story!

 

If you have been following this blog for awhile, you know the story and all the unexpected events that surrounded the birth of my first son. Well, this second baby's arrival was no different.

 

So much happened that I could not have foreseen, and definitely did not desire to happen. But I praise the LORD that me and baby are safe. And besides being exhausted (hello sleep deprivation) we are recovering very well.

 

So, lets get into it with a bit of backstory from the pregnancy itself.

 

We decided at the beginning of this pregnancy to forego another homebirth.

 

I so badly wanted to have a another try at a homebirth. But with the history of a third degree tear plus two sulcus tears, I was terrified of repeating the previous experience of an emergency transfer immediately after birth.

 

So I decided upon a local group of midwives, and to give birth in a hospital.

The entire pregnancy was full of so many unexpected events.

 

After sudden bleeding appeared, making me believe I was losing my baby, I was diagnosed with a sub chorionic hematoma at 10 weeks. And at his 20 week ultrasound , we were told he had a "spot" on his heart, meaning he could have a birth defect of chromosomal abnormalities(to which he has neither).

 

Then there was constant fatigue, nausea, and no rest with having to take care of my toddler.

 

At 36 weeks, I began to get higher blood pressure readings at my appointments.

 

It is not unusual for me to have higher readings in an office setting, due to post cancer treatment nerves and a bit of PTSD.

 

So after the 38 week appointment with another high reading, we purchased a blood pressure monitor to check it at home.

 

It ran a bit higher than normal at home that week. But nothing like it was in the office.

 

At my 39 week appointment, it was very high. So high, the midwife wanted me to go to triage to have it monitored for a few hours and have labs run.

 

Obviously I did NOT want to do that. Because I knew that once I knew I was being monitored, it would sky rocket, and I had it in my mind I would be induced right then and there. To which I REALLLLLLYYYY... did not want.

 

But at the same time, we knew that we could not take this lightly. So we agreed to in office blood work and a 24 hour urine sample to check for protein.

The blood work results came back within a day, showing normal levels. But with the urine sample having to be collected over 24 hours and not being able to be turned in until Friday morning, and then Christmas that Monday and Tuesday, it would be several days before the labs would analyze the results.

So for four days, I tried my hardest to keep positive that all was normal and just enjoy the holiday. But the entire time I was desperately praying that labor would start that weekend, (the 23rd was my due date), and at the same time mentally preparing myself for the possibility of an upcoming induction.

Christmas came, and went, full of tons of contractions, but nothing regular or strong enough to keep labor going.

Wednesday morning arrived and at 8:15am, the midwife gave me a call. The urine sample showed high levels of protein (the highest normal range is 300, mine was 500), confirming the beginnings of preeclampsia. An appointment to come into the office to have my blood pressure checked again was scheduled for 11 am.

I burst into tears right there.

How did I get preeclampsia. Considering I did everything under the sun they say to avoid it. Exercising daily, eating healthy, and I did not gain more weight than is recommended.

I knew that one my biggest fears for labor would have to happen. I would have to go through an induction.

I called my husband to relay him the news and to have him arrange care for Flynn, and then I called my doula.

I spent about 45 minutes on the phone with my amazing doula. ( I cannot recommend getting a good doula enough...). She helped calm fears, and brought me back down to a mostly calm and clear minded state. She explained what an induction might look like, and listed all of my choices and rights for what was about to take place. She gave me all the info I needed to make an informed choice.

After getting off the phone with her, I quickly loaded up mine and Justin's bags, and tearfully left my first baby for the last time as him being my only baby.

Ya'll. That was hard...

With my mom riding with me, so she could drive Justin's vehicle back home, we arrived at the midwife office. My blood pressure was checked. And it was sky high because of nerves, as once in the hospital and I calmed down it went back down some.

The midwife did a physical exam, revelaing that I was 2 cm dilated, but my cervix had not fully softened.

She suggested to be induced by cytotec, followed by Pitocin. And then arranged for us to head over to the hospital to get checked in.

Justin and I headed out, and once again I called my doula to inform her of what was going on. She once again reviewed all of our options and rights, and then suggested that we go get some lunch before she came, as well as before we head into the hospital, to fuel us and to give us a few more moments to process what was happening.

And we did just that.

It was very difficult for me to process the emotions of giving up my hope of going into labor on my own, and submitting to an induction.

I had to come to a place of surrendering my fears, and realizing this was a necessary medical intervention. I was going to become very ill, and possibly put my life and his life in danger if I did not give birth soon. And given my history with my first birth, it might be another week before I went into labor on my own.

But even that knowledge did not lessen the disappointment and even heartbreak of giving up my dream of having a medical intervention free birth. You can say I underwent a quick grieving process.

Justin prayed, and we headed in. We checked in, and we were led to our room, and my doula arrived shortly after.

I was set up with a hep-lock, a continuous fetal monitor, and some blood work was taken to check on my liver enzymes, because of the preeclampsia.

Following the blood draw, and a good crying session because I don't do blood draws and IV insertions well, the cytotec was administered, and so began the induction process.

Cytotec is given four hours to work. It works by softening the cervix. We went with this option, versus the typical 12 hour cervadil, because I was already "overdue". And giving that fact that I was a bit dilated and effaced, and it was my second baby, the midwife believed my body would kick into gear fairly quickly.

I was worried the cytotec would be intense. But honestly it was nothing.

It caused steady contractions after two hours. But nothing that caused me to have to focus too hard.

I even told my doula she could leave for awhile.

After the four hour mark, I was checked, and I was found to be 4 cm dialated, and 70 percent effaced.

Then began the Pitocin.

For the first 2 and half hours on 2 ml of Pitocin, the contractions felt very much the same as what they were with the cytotec.

I was completely coherent, talking in between, and not needing much focus.

Then after the two and half hours, I was bumped up to 4 ml (Pitocin can be given up to 20 ml).

Right after they bumped me up to 4, I told Justin to lay down and take a nap, and I decided to get in bed and rest as much as possible, as I had been bouncing on the birth ball most of the time.

Probably after 15 minutes of the dosage increase, and 5 minutes after Justin and I laying down, I felt a pop in my abdomen. It startled me at first, and then the thought that my water had broke came across my mind.

I told Justin, who was laying on the window couch that I thought my water had broke, and to help me get to the bathroom.

I got out of the bed, but there was no gush or even trickle of amniotic fluid.

What did happen was a sudden BIG time contraction.

I was thinking okay, maybe things are getting a bit more serious now...

I couldn't make it the few steps to the bathroom before another one hit.

I got into the bathroom and told Justin, this is it.

I pulled my hair up in a pony tail and bam! Another one came.

And I yelled for Justin to call the doula to get there now.

It was on then.

Almost immediately, I went into labor land. That shift of the mind that takes place in active labor. Where for me, that means complete focus on the task, I cannot talk sentences (only one word at a time, or yelling how much it hurts), I do NOT want to move from whatever spot I am in, and I just want it DONE.

At some point I remember someone asking me if I wanted to get in the shower, but I don't remember the act of getting in there. I only remember being in there, and holding onto Justin during rushes.

My doula arrived within 20 minutes of Justin calling her. But I do not remember her getting there. I just remember her offering me water, helping Justin hold me, and gently stroking my head.

If you have ever been through an unmedicated labor, who know how intense it is. But you also know that you do have moments of reprieve. But Pitocin induced, unmedicated labor, is a whole other game.

The only thing I can compare the contractions to are the contractions you go through in transition during normal labor. But they are ALL like that.

I remember thinking over and over, "I can't do this" and then thinking "YES! That means its over soon!". Because feelings of self doubt are normal during transition. But these thoughts happened with each rush.

I even remember at one point begging everyone in my head for medication (I could not verbalize it at that point).

There were feelings of exhaustion and just wanting to sleep. Waves of nausea that could not be relieved. There were moments of me yelling at poor Justin that I could not do it. And even a few times where the pain during a rush was so intense, I started to bite down on him or bang my head.

Praise the LORD, I only had to endure that for a little over an hour before I began to feel the urge to push.

I was somehow able to relay that urge, and everyone managed to get me out of the shower where I had been hunkered down since things picked up, and into the bed for the pushing phase.

Most of this phase was on my hands and knees. I tried pushing side lying for one rush, but did not care for it.

I also was not coached during pushing, unlike with my first delivery. I specifically made it known that I wanted my body to take over and dictate when it was time to push.

And my body did take over. It was such a powerful feeling having my body bear down on its own. And much more enjoyable than my last delivery where I was made to push till the count of ten.

It was like that over and over. A rush would come, and my body would bear down with me roaring each time for about an hour and a half.

I remember at one point really thinking there is no way I can do this. During most of the labor, I would look to Justin, and in his eyes to help me get through it. But for some reason at that moment with that intense thought, and with me yelling that I couldn't, I looked in my doula eyes, and she calmly said I could. And that simple act gave me the last bit of energy I needed for the final pushes.

On the next push, I felt one, then a second rush of fluid, as my water broke.

And then I heard my midwife say not to be alarmed, but there would be more people coming into the room, because there was evidence of meconium.

Another rush and then push came, and that lovely "ring of fire" announced that I truly was at the end.

Another push and I felt my baby slide down and out some more. But because I was so tired, I paused.

And then everyone started yelling "Keep going Angel! He's right there!"

With a final effort, my baby slid from my body, onto the bed and I was able to pick him up. Only 3 hours from when active labor began.

Instantly, all the pain was gone. It was just me and my baby for those few seconds.

The only downside to his delivery is that because of the meconium, he had to be taken away quickly to be suctioned. But thankfully he was only taken a few steps from me, while Justin walked with him, and my doula stayed with me. I was even able to see him the entire time.

After he was suctioned, he was brought quickly to me, and we were able to enjoy that special skin to skin time, that I was unable to get with my first baby.

So much did happen with this birth that I did not want. But even in all those unexpected, unwanted moments, so many good blessings did happen.

Like making it completely through with no medication, just as I wanted.

That I only experienced 2nd degree tearing, and did not have to be separated from my baby. I had 3b tearing, plus two sulcus tears with my first delivery, that led to me having to have a two hour operation. Which took me away for over 3 hours.

That my water did not break until the very end.

And the entire 72 hour hospital stay was a pleasant one, filled with so many caring nurses and staff. A much different story from the last time.

Yes, it was much different than I planned. But I am now 100 percent okay with how it turned out.

And hey, I am not going to lie. I feel pretty powerful and strong for surviving a Pitocin induced labor, with no meds.

Mama's. How did each of your birth stories differ? Or were they very similar?

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!
Angel

So Hard and Scary, But Much More Blessed

Right now I am sitting in my favorite comfy chair in my living room. I have a tall cup of hot coffee beside me, and I hear my hubby keeping our wee one occupied in the other end of the house.

So, long time no blog. I have not intended on taking such a long break in blogging. For I dearly love this little corner of the world, and had every intention of coming back to blogging regularly after things had settled down from our little Flynn's arrival.

But, truth be told, things have not settled down much since his arrival. In fact life has been more busy and unpredictable than ever. That's motherhood though.

Motherhood:

The busiest, scariest hood you will EVER walk through.

But one of the most blessed, sacred places you will ever get to visit.



Before you become a mother, you have so many dreams of what your days will look like. Or at least I did.

I pictured a mostly quiet little baby, sometimes fussy, but ready and eager to be worn in my sling all day, and me feeling blissfully happy all the time.

I envisioned me being able to keep my house spotless and all parts of my life well organized.

Yes, I knew it would be hard and not perfect all the time. But the kind of hard this has been, I could never picture.

I could not picture postpartum depression clouding the first 5 months, and it still haunting me.

I could not picture a baby with serious food allergies that have caused him to spend 90 percent (no exaggeration whatsoever) of his awake hours fussing and screaming from the discomfort of head to toe breakouts.

And with that me having to give up any form of wheat, dairy, eggs, soy, sesame seeds, almonds, and even my beloved peanut butter so I can continue to nurse him.

The past five months been a time of sacrificing and growing and learning and letting go of ALL my high expectations. It has been a time of adapting to all of the hard parts.

Including having to restart this post who knows how many times because my wee babe is not very content to chill on his own. ;)

And humility. Boy does your pride get knocked to the ground as a new mom...

Every idea of life with a baby I had, has had to be thrown out the window and into the wind. :)

And that has been hard for me. Especially since I tend to be the kind to hold tightly to my "dreams" and tend to become saddened when they do not turn out as I so longed for.

It has been a season of rearranging my priorities and hopes. And learning to cope better when it does get hard.

And I can finally say that the past few weeks have been better for me in that area.

Do I have a happy, joyful attitude when I look at that mountain of needed to be folded laundry that has been marinating on my couch for 4 days?

Ummm... Not quite always...

Am I to the point I can easily not get frustrated when I do have to stop trying to clean or blog or sew or attempt any sort of a creative endeavor after the billionth time my baby has woke up earlier than I hoped?

Not exactly.

Can I be calm when he has woke up EVERY hour from 12 am on.

You can ask my husband about that one... ;)

I do not know that I will ever come to the point of complete peace and calm with any of those all the time.

But I am learning more to lean on the LORD during those times I get so frustrated and tired. And accept that great grace HE bestows on us during our bad times.

Yes, it is sooo... hard and scary this motherhood thing.

But it is sooo... much more blessed.

And I can praise the LORD for that fact.

What has surprised you the most about motherhood?

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!
Angel

Baby Flynn Is Here

Well, you can pretty much gather the reason for my absence here in these few pics...

 

Ian Flynn

Born February13th, 2017

8:59 pm

8lbs.

21 1/2 inches long 

 

1 Day Old

 

 

1 Month Old

 Oh, how he has stolen my heart...

 

 

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!

Angel

Sticky, Busy Summer Days, and Baby!

Well hello friends and family! I pray that you are all having a wonderfully blessed day in our LORD! It has been another hot and sticky one here in my neck of the woods. But a late afternoon storm has helped relieve some of that humidity, and it has turned out to be a lovely evening. :)

 

I pray that all of you are having wonderfully full, and joy filled summer days. I know mine have been. GOD has been so good, and blessed us way beyond what I could ever imagine. :D

 

If you have kept up with this little blog over the last little bit, you know that GOD has graciously blessed my husband and I with a sweet bundle of joy to be. :D

 

And what a joyful surprise this little one has been to my husband and I! It has been my hearts desire to be a mother for 3 years now, and just when I thought for sure it would never happen, GOD placed this little one in my womb. Oh ye of little faith... :)

 

So how has this precious one been impacting our lives? Well besides immense joy, this wee one has wore my tail out. Can you say FATIGUE. Currently I can sleep for 10 hours each night, and still be in need of an afternoon nap. :)

 

I can seriously stare at this little form ALL day, and be happy...

 

Nausea has been manageable. There have been a few mornings of toilet hugging. ;) But as long as I keep food in my belly, I have been doing well, and savoring every blessed second. :D

There's a healthy, growing baby in there!

 

Other than that, life has been fairly normal. Busy with church functions, and general life, and oh yes! Spoiling these precious faces rotten... :D

 

 

 

How great is our LORD, and ever to be praised!

 

How are your summer days going? Have they been busy?

 

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!

Angel



Did You Hear the News?