Of Learing to Rest

 

Can you believe it? My baby took two naps today without hesitation!

 

That is an outright miracle folks.

 

Typically he only wants to nap in the morning for maybe an hour and a half. And then if he takes an afternoon nap, he usually screams in protest for 15 minutes and then only sleeps for about 30 minutes.

 

But today he slept 2 hours in the morning and has been asleep now for an hour and a half. :D

 

Typically during naptime I try and get as much house work as I can done. And that is what I did this morning.

 

I thought about trying to get some more deeper cleaning done for the afternoon nap.

 

But do you want to know what I did instead?

 

I listened to my exhausted mind and body and rested.

 

I brewed a cup of decaf coffee, grabbed the monitor, my camera, and headed outside to my new favorite sitting spot.

 

 

And I just listened to the wind and the birds in the trees.

 

I looked at the leaves all changing colors and just breathed deeply of mental and physical rest.

 

And I am so thankful I did.

 

 

As a new mom, I find it very hard to rest most days. To just sit and recover from the stress of day to day life. I can never seem to shut my brain off on what needs to be accomplished.

 

But I need to from time to time.

 

We all do for that fact.

 

 

Rest is a very good thing.

 

"There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither."

Alan Cohen

 

How about you? Do you find it difficult to make time for rest? What simple act of rest restores your mind and body?

 

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!

Angel

Interrupting Anxiety With Gratitude

Confession time folks.

I struggle with anxiety.

You know. Fear. Worry. Not trusting in GOD's goodness as I should. Mentally draining, turbulent emotions at any given moment.

Yes. I struggle with it every single day.

But I came across this quote recently. It is a very simple one. But oh so powerful.

"Interrupt anxiety with gratitude"

Instead of giving into the anxiety that has clouded my day way too often lately, I am going to interrupt it, and show gratitude.

Gratitude for a baby that took 2 separate 2 hour naps. Cause that is a downright miracle...

Gratitude for seeing how excited and happy my baby is when daddy comes home from work.

 Gratitude for being able to wear my baby in a sling. He had hated it for awhile there, but now gets excited about being snuggled in it.

Gratitude for a new kitchen rug. I am loving the soft squishy feel under my feet while washing dishes.

Gratitude for postpartum hair loss, despite how I dislike it. Because I know it could be so much worse (hello slick bald chemo head two years ago). And it is a reminder of a dream come true. I had a baby ya'll.

I feel gratitude for time spent with all my babies.

 And I feel so grateful to have been able to spend a little time and energy last week setting up a wee bit of fall décor outdoors.



 

Yes. There is so much to be grateful for and to feel calm and peaceful about.

Do you struggle with anxiety? What are some ways you deal with it? Are you feeling grateful for any simple things today?

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!

Angel

P.S. The "Revive Our Hearts" blog posted about how to deal with panic attacks and anxiety recently. I highly encourage you to read it, if this is an area in which you struggle as well.

https://www.reviveourhearts.com/true-woman/blog/god-you-your-panic-attack/

Celebrating the End of One Chapter, and the Beginning of Another

Flynn's "Why on earth are we taking selfies at 7am" face...

On this day two year ago, I completed 3 cycles of BEP chemo for a stage 1a, grade 3 immature teratoma (ovarian cancer).

Words can never convey how happy I was to be done with that chapter of my life. I had been through almost 3 months of the worst nausea, fatigue, and fear of the future you can imagine.

So of course, a celebration was in order for getting through it, right?

I remember that last day, and the same chemo nurse who had been there to administer the drugs to me that terrifying first day, asking me and Justin how we were going to celebrate.

Up to that point we had not talked of celebrating. We were in survival mode. As I knew I would still be sick for quite a while after that last day.

But I began to think about it. And after the nurse walked away, a place popped into my head. Bryson City, NC. The same town and cabin we had stayed at during our honey moon 2 years prior.

I told Justin about it, and said, I wanna go back.

And he said we would.

It took us almost 2 years later. And to be honest, it was a complete surprise when Justin came to me in July this year and asked if I wanted to know what my birthday present was. And then proceeded to tell me we were FINALLY going back to Bryson City. To stay in that little cabin called Acorn Bend.

And what a beautiful stay it was...



I could not help but think of how much has changed and how much has happened in our lives since that stay in April of 2013.

 The week we started our marriage.

We had gone through SOOO... much in those four years. Adjusting to marriage, a cancer battle, problems with depression, having a baby, and just LIFE.

Fontana Dam

Fontana Lake

It was the perfect way to not only celebrate the end of one chapter, but to rejoice in the beginning of another.

 








"May I never forget the good things HE has done for me."

Psalm 103:2

 

Have there been any exciting celebrations of the LORD's good work in your life? Whether they be a big bowl of ice cream or maybe a trip?

 

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!

Angel

My Rainbow After A Storm

For those of you that may be new this blog, two years ago this past June, after "trying" for over a year to become pregnant, I walked into a doctors office for a routine exam, and came out after being told I may have cancer.

Two weeks after that appointment, I had an operation done that confirmed I did have ovarian cancer, and one of my ovaries was removed, and 3 cycles of high dose BEP chemo was started immediately.

Praise the LORD, the cancer was found very early, and removed during the surgery. Chemo was administered to ensure the cells would not regrow back, as they tend to do in the type of cancer (grade 3 immature teratoma) I had.

And I am now cancer free.

To be told you have cancer is devastating. It is made out to be the worst thing that can happen to you in this society. Although I could think of much worse things to go through... ;)

But the most devastating thing for me was hearing how my chance of becoming a mommy was lessened.

I wanted for so long to become a mommy. It was something I prayed for daily.

And here I was being told I might not ever get that chance.

But...

Our GOD is greater. And HE had a much bigger plan.

Because statistics do not affect HIM in HIS work.

 

 

Seven months after the completion of my chemotherapy, I felt GOD's leading to take a pregnancy test.

And it was only by HIS leading that I did that day. I had given up ever taking one again for fear of disappointment.

And I will never forget that moment in time. Where two little pink lines showed up. On not one. Not two. But three tests.

I couldn't be too careful, could I? :D

Our GOD is great, and ever to be praised!

 

HE answered my prayer, in HIS perfect timing.

HE brought a rainbow after a VERY LONG, DIFFICULT storm.

And although this rainbow is a challenge to see some days...

 

 It is always there reminding me of the LORD's mercy and grace, and HIS great power.

 

^"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. "

1 Peter 5:10

What rainbow after a storm has the LORD brought you? What has that rainbow taught you about the LORD?

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!
Angel

So Hard and Scary, But Much More Blessed

Right now I am sitting in my favorite comfy chair in my living room. I have a tall cup of hot coffee beside me, and I hear my hubby keeping our wee one occupied in the other end of the house.

So, long time no blog. I have not intended on taking such a long break in blogging. For I dearly love this little corner of the world, and had every intention of coming back to blogging regularly after things had settled down from our little Flynn's arrival.

But, truth be told, things have not settled down much since his arrival. In fact life has been more busy and unpredictable than ever. That's motherhood though.

Motherhood:

The busiest, scariest hood you will EVER walk through.

But one of the most blessed, sacred places you will ever get to visit.



Before you become a mother, you have so many dreams of what your days will look like. Or at least I did.

I pictured a mostly quiet little baby, sometimes fussy, but ready and eager to be worn in my sling all day, and me feeling blissfully happy all the time.

I envisioned me being able to keep my house spotless and all parts of my life well organized.

Yes, I knew it would be hard and not perfect all the time. But the kind of hard this has been, I could never picture.

I could not picture postpartum depression clouding the first 5 months, and it still haunting me.

I could not picture a baby with serious food allergies that have caused him to spend 90 percent (no exaggeration whatsoever) of his awake hours fussing and screaming from the discomfort of head to toe breakouts.

And with that me having to give up any form of wheat, dairy, eggs, soy, sesame seeds, almonds, and even my beloved peanut butter so I can continue to nurse him.

The past five months been a time of sacrificing and growing and learning and letting go of ALL my high expectations. It has been a time of adapting to all of the hard parts.

Including having to restart this post who knows how many times because my wee babe is not very content to chill on his own. ;)

And humility. Boy does your pride get knocked to the ground as a new mom...

Every idea of life with a baby I had, has had to be thrown out the window and into the wind. :)

And that has been hard for me. Especially since I tend to be the kind to hold tightly to my "dreams" and tend to become saddened when they do not turn out as I so longed for.

It has been a season of rearranging my priorities and hopes. And learning to cope better when it does get hard.

And I can finally say that the past few weeks have been better for me in that area.

Do I have a happy, joyful attitude when I look at that mountain of needed to be folded laundry that has been marinating on my couch for 4 days?

Ummm... Not quite always...

Am I to the point I can easily not get frustrated when I do have to stop trying to clean or blog or sew or attempt any sort of a creative endeavor after the billionth time my baby has woke up earlier than I hoped?

Not exactly.

Can I be calm when he has woke up EVERY hour from 12 am on.

You can ask my husband about that one... ;)

I do not know that I will ever come to the point of complete peace and calm with any of those all the time.

But I am learning more to lean on the LORD during those times I get so frustrated and tired. And accept that great grace HE bestows on us during our bad times.

Yes, it is sooo... hard and scary this motherhood thing.

But it is sooo... much more blessed.

And I can praise the LORD for that fact.

What has surprised you the most about motherhood?

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!
Angel

That Time I Got An Epidural After Labor: Part Two of Flynns Birth Story

I had been in the birth pool for about an hour in the grips of hard labor. I survived transition and pushing began.

At first, I did not have the urge to push. There was a few minute or so lull after that loud grunt growl thing that came out, with no contractions. And to be honest, it scared me that labor had stalled. I had forgotten that there can be a few minute break between transition and pushing.

I remember hearing my midwife asking that if I felt like it, to push in the next contraction. And so I did.

And I kept on pushing several more times in the pool. On my knees and while squatting.

And the entire time I remember thinking, this was never going to end. It can't be getting close. I am going to be doing this for eternity... :D

Justin says I had been in the tub for as long as the midwife felt it was safe for me to be in at one time. And I was told I needed to get out. But I do not remember getting out of the pool.

I do remember the urges to push after being out, and having to drop into a squat several times between where the pool was, and our bedroom where everything was set up for me to deliver.

I got to the bedroom and once again had to drop to a squat. But as much as I wanted to give birth in a squatting position, I did not have the strength, and I had to lay and push in a semi reclined position on the bed.

I have heard some say they enjoyed the pushing stage the best, as it is more active. I can't say that I enjoyed it more. It's not that I hated being in labor in either stage. As a matter of fact, even in all the pain I can remember just praising GOD for the opportunity to give birth. I just remember how each time I pushed that I was sure I was going to pop a blood vessel in my head and die right then and there. (Justin relayed he feared the same thing for me...)

I pushed for a few more times, and the midwife said she could see the baby, and asked if I wanted to see him via mirror. Initially I said no as I just wanted to focus. But then they got the mirror out and I was able to see his little face all squished.

The midwife said he was right there and to hold off on the pushing so things could stretch. I was then given the green light and with one last effort, he slid from my body.

I will never forget that feeling of when I realized it was all over. There was so much relief. In an instant the pain was gone and my sweet babe was placed on my belly at 8:59 pm.

While my baby was being cleaned up by the assistant on the bed beside me, the midwife began to check me over. She looked and said their appeared to be some tearing. And upon looking closer, she told me I needed to be transferred to the hospital right away, as the tearing I had could not be repaired by her.

The few weeks before giving birth, the LORD had been working in my heart. And now I know it was for this moment. The LORD had been showing me I need to trust HIM and not worry about my birth, as I had been doing so badly. I had come to the point of complete trust and peace in allowing HIM to write my story. And even though going to the hospital was the last thing on this earth I wanted, I felt peaceful at that moment in going.

So instead of cleaning up and snuggling in my cozy house, I was immediately loaded into our Jeep to go to a hospital. Instead of cuddling and bonding with my baby and hubby, I held my baby's hand while he was in his car seat, with me in the front, and my hubby driving.

We arrived at the hospital, and I was wheel chaired inside up to the labor and delivery floor. I do not remember if I held Flynn while being wheeled up. The midwife was with me as Justin was parking the vehicle. I do remember getting into the room and the swarm of people that were in there. It seems that initially they were more concerned about Flynn than me. And even asked if I wanted him admitted. To which I answered NO. ;)

I was placed in bed, Flynn was handed to Justin once he came up, and the swarm began to examine me. And at this moment I was in MAJOR pain  ( I did not feel that much before, just discomfort), as the post birth adrenaline was wearing off.

While being examined, and basically having some major wounds ripped back open, a doctor came in while I was already screaming from pain and introduced himself so calmly. To which I immediately yelled back "I DO NOT CARE WHO YOU ARE!". I regretted yelling that right after. I was just hurting SO bad at the moment...

Then came the heartbreaking news. I was told that I had not only third degree tearing, but the birth canal also had 2 tears going up the side walls, exposing my insides. I was going to have to have an operation to repair me asap.

I was devastated to say the least. I was going to have to be taken away from my baby, and wheeled into an operating room, be given an epidural after going through days of labor, and maybe 10 hours of sleep in three days. Trust me, this was only the beginning of MANY days of crying.

One way the LORD blessed me in this situation was allowing the operating room to be occupied for a time. That allowed me to be given time for some skin to skin, and to begin nursing my baby. It also gave time for my mom to come to the hospital to help Justin, as he would be the one taking care of Flynn, and he was almost as exhausted as I was after not leaving my side during my entire labor.

The operation started around 1 or 2 on Tuesday morning, and lasted a little over 2 hours. I basically had to have an entire reconstruction down there...

I was made to stay in the hospital for all of Tuesday and Tuesday night, into midday Wednesday. It was a terrible stay in the hospital. I was not treated with much respect. And we think it was because of the fact I had a homebirth, and they acted as if that is what caused me to be in this situation.

I was rarely checked on, and when I asked if could have someone help me clean up a little (I was in a pretty gross state at that point...), I was told yes, only to ask again in a few hours and to be told I was forgotten about.

And when a nurse or doctor did come in, they would reiterate how much pain I must be in. But not give me the pain meds when the time came.

And to top it off, a nurse assistant came in at one point and said she heard the baby crying, and went on to share in an irritated manner how she did not like to hear a baby crying...

None of this helped me a bit. And I am pretty sure it was what helped to contribute to my major Postpartum Depression.

I began to mourn not having that time at home to bond right after the birth of my baby. That time that makes homebirth so special. I also began to mourn the fact that I could not take care of Flynn beyond nursing him, as I could walk no further than the bathroom for that first week.

And I also began to feel guilt. That it was my fault that the tearing happened. I thought I should have been able to prevent this.

Maybe I should not have tried to start labor. Maybe we called the midwife too early, and we were rushed and made rash decisions. Maybe I should have tried to give birth in the squat position. Maybe I should not have pushed when I did...

There were so many moments of hysterical crying that first week. And even times where my body would feel as if it was shutting down and I was going to pass out.

On the Saturday following Flynn's birth, the midwife assistant came to check in on us, and I relayed my feelings.

I was reassured, that after such a traumatic experience, and with my hormones out of whack, what I was feeling was to be expected. She suggested that Justin get to work immediately on drying my placenta, and getting it encapsulated.

And after taking the placenta pills on that Sunday afternoon, and a lot of prayer, I started to feel a bit normal again. (I am all for taking those placenta, aka "happy pills" now...)

And for a few minutes I was even able to get up and about the house, and even take a few pics as a new family.

It has been a long, humbling recovery. I was forced to let a lot of my pride go, and let others in my family step in to share in the work load. I was not able to get up much for two weeks. And so my mom was at my house every day, changing Flynn, washing laundry, and cleaning my house while Justin went to work. And when Justin got home, he stepped in to help for the evenings.

I can now praise the LORD that the past two or three weeks have been my best, with no pain, fairly level emotions, and me even getting back to exercising a little.

But I still feel guilt at times. And writing this out, and relieving those moments have not been easy. But slowly and surely, GOD is healing my heart, and reminding me of all the little and big blessings (hello, my baby was born healthy as can be, and has been a champion nurser from the get go), and all of HIS goodness and mercy that was shown during my not so ideal birth story.

No my birth story is not how I would have written it. But I know GOD wrote it out, and despite the pain, it is a good one.

And in case you are wondering, no this does not scare me from wanting another baby. In fact, I still want ten... :D

Was you birth story how you would have written it? What did GOD teach you during that time? How did HIS goodness shine through?

Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thanks for stopping by!
Angel